sounds cool.

You know that you are lucky knowing when you are testing. I had people tell me I was gonna test this past spring and last fall. Now its this fall. When??? A date please?
I had one Sempai tell me that they just tell you the day before you test(Or that they used to). I told him I can't do that. I have responsibilities-I have to notify work 2 weeks in advance, I have to make sure that if my husband is working that the kids are dropped off at their grandmothers.

reality checks seem to be my theme this Fall....
*Note * Please refrain from reading if major whining will torque you off. I'm writing to vent.. and dont really require answers....

So, My Mom in law is diagnosed with Lung cancer the week I tested for my Black. In the weeks that follow, I travel teh hour each way to see her, do chores for her, sit by her bedside at hospital and home. Im ever so grateful sh egot to go home for a week before spending her last week in teh hospital.
In Sept. I had started a series of medical tests to see why Im so damned goofy. They continued with a very capable Internal medicine doc. Every few days , in between visits to teh hospital- I take tests. Bloodwork,questions, urine, finally MRI's. Seems they are quite sure I have a brain tumor. This on teh week my Mom in law is on her deathbed. My poor hubby doenst need it, and it makes me feel majorly guilty.
Brother-in-law (read: major a** who beat my hubby up all his childhood,who now is an Dr with a MDiety complex teh size of Texas.) decides that he'll finally come up now that his Mom is on her dying shortly. Of course he is her Medical Directives Will dude... and of course teh saving grace of not only her, but of all humanity itself. He is rude and condescending to not only us, but to family friends and Mom in laws best friend.(I had to hear this at her funeral, and to think WE thought he only hated US!) She passes on Nov 2nd. My sister in Law and I agree that the brothers wont speak to each other ever after the Estate is dealt with. Of course since we live an hour away and not 7- we have to deal with all teh finacial and property duties. what a mess.
A new specialist for my medical stuff is added.His office is inept and I spend teh week of the 13th of Nov chasing down all teh medical pre-tests they havent scheduled that I must take to have the several tests run that week to include a CT. Im doing the work Im paying them big $$ for, and they dont even have the kindness to call me when minor test results come back. Why teh heck havent they gotten the Pre-cert for my CT from teh insurance co.? "Oh, they called duing our lunch break. They didnt call back and teh next day is our office is closed" *Umm.. YEAH.. teh day you've aldready scheduled my CT for?! You could have called them back! *I have to reschedule twice- only to have the very nice hospital pre-cert gal cal me and say meekly.." has Dr So-n -So called you?.. no?.. well, the Insurance Dr just called. He finally got back with your specialist and they decided together that there wasnt enough evidence to require a CT. You need a new doc , hun". WHAT!??! The sam edoc who Scheduled teh CT - the one who told me " Look at this bloodwork, theres a tumor Somewhere- we have to find it and remove it. Its surgery for sure" now sez Im not worth a CT to find said tumor that will kill me if I dont cut it out?!? Just damn....
Its confusing, and I cant let my son know more than " Mommy is having medical tests done to see why she is so Goofy!*snicker!". I cant tell my Mom yet, or she'd have a heart attack. I'll tell her when I *know* definite answers. If I ever do.
....and my hubby continues to grow away form me. We Hapkido, he climbs. 2 weekend days to spend with teh family, an dhe always spends one on teh cliffs. I'd liek him to do some bonding with his son. You never know... it may be all he has some day.
Im feeling even more guilty. I cant work out liek I even could a year ago, and I grow more out of shape. I dont blame him for not bieng intimate with me anymore, I guess I wouldnt want to either. Ive gotten gross and whiney.

The world seems liek its collapsing on me on all fronts, yet I cant give in yet cuase I have a lil boy who is depending on me to be here awhile longer. I get more frustrated with him than I should.. and when I do, I feel even more guilty. He deserves better.
I just gotta hold up a bit longer, when all I really want to do is go pound my head against a rock until I stop hurting.